Guilty until Proven a Parent

The following dry script is based on recent encounters with the helthcare system by two different families from our local FCC chapter.

Setting: Local children's hospital.

Situation: Child needs minor surgery/procedure and parent is filling out typical office forms

Medical worker: (Looks at the Asian child and looks at the White parent). Is she adopted?

Parent: Yes. Six months ago.

Medical worker: I'll need proof you are the parent before the surgery can be performed.

Parent: I have my insurance card right here with my daughter listed as my dependent.

Medical worker: That's not sufficient. You will need to bring in the adoption papers.

This seems like an obvious case of that-hospital-employee-is-an-idiot to me. Of course, I'm biased. I'm also tired of being looked at with suspicion and my fitness of deserving to be a parent questioned. This is probably the result of going through three home studies and still having no child to show for it. Yeah, I'm testy for sure.

Just the same, if I force myself to look at it from the hospital's potential liability point of view...they're still idiots. Is there some study out there that whites generally abduct Asian children, so we must be extra cautious to check their papers? I think not. Are they really just trying to protect the children? Thanks, then how about protecting all of the children and not just the transracially adopted children. Oh, and I didn't mention that one of the mom's also has a white son (also adopted) who has been treated at this very hospital--she never had to provide proof he was her child.

I'm glad these parents shared their stories because it gives me a chance to formulate answers before the situation even comes up. Nothing I despise more than giving a bumbling, compliant answer that later I will replay over and over again wishing I had done things differently. Some chapter members suggested the mothers should write a letter to the hospital. Some suggested media attention to help educate the masses. I'm not yet sure what I would do in this situation. I do know I would feel offended and would want to stand up for our family. But, I also know that once Kayla is a certain age and understands these conversations with idiots, I'll have to temper my answers to keep her feelings top priority.

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Given we've all had those foot in the mouth episodes (i.e. when's the baby due...she's six months old, thanks for asking...yikes!), I thought this might be a good place to go over some "did they really just ask that" questions I've gathered from others who've been there and done that...as well as some of my favorite answers. This may help friends and family have ready answers as well when you're out and about pulling babysitter duty (smile).

Q- How much did she cost?

Smart Answer (SA)- All my heart.

Educational Answer (EA)- Buying children is both illegal and unethical. If you're interested in knowing more about gov't fees and donations for someone you know that's adopting, I'd be happy pass on my agency's website to you.


Q-What is she?

SA- She looks human to me.

EA- Do you mean what is her ethnicity? She is Chinese.


Q-Won't you have to teach her to speak English?

SA- What baby do you know that didn't have to learn to speak English?

EA- Babies learn to speak the language that is spoken around them.


Q-Why China when there are children in the USA that need homes?

SA- Is that where you're adopting from? Oh, you're not adopting? I just thought you might be since you're so interested in making sure the children in the good ole USA are taken care of.

EA- China was the right choice for us at this time for many reasons.


Q-Are you going to tell her she's adopted?

SA- Seriously? Have you even looked at us?

EA- It will be pretty obvious. Besides, I want to share her adoption story with her.


Q- Are you her real Mom/Dad?

ONLY ONE ANSWER- YES!!!